testrun_box | Villain app for anemoi

[You are in a blank room. Four walls, a ceiling, and a floor. Pretty simple, except for the lines of dots leading to giant buttons and to a round door. A glass tube overhead has just dropped a rather stylised-looking box onto the floor. You have an odd, gun-looking thing in your hand. A disembodied female voice addresses you.]

WElcome to the ApERture ScIEnce Enrichment CENtre. The devICe you are HOlding is the ApERture ScIEnce HAndheld Portal DevICe. Do not lOSe, dAMage, or othERwise altER the ApERture ScIEnce HAndheld Portal DevICE. SubstANtial FInes, loss of LIfe or destrUCtion of reALity as WE know it mAY occUR... AND we dON't want that, dO We? Now. Let us beGIn tESting. Fire a pORtal at the WAll in front of YOu. I'll WAit.

[Well, the voice certainly sounds reassuringly calm... if a bit computerised.]

[What do?]

2

[Since this is Sirocco it's really only a matter of time before the phone network is hacked. And hacked it is. Everyone's screen is suddenly dominated by a... logo? It looks like an old-fashioned camera shutter accompanied by the words APERTURE LABORATORIES. It's accompanied by a voice-over, feminine and computerised sounding, as though they had a woman read a script and then auto-tuned the hell out of it just because they could.]

Good EVening, PEople of SIrocco. ApERture ScIEnce has an offer fOR you, because we ALl know how much hUMans lOVe hEAvily advertised cONcepts. StOP in to the ApERture ScIENce complex to-day and complETe testing for a chANce to earn ten ANemoi for the fIRst battery, twENty for the second, and et cETera.

[Whether the anemoi is a lie or not has yet to be found out.]

3

[Awgawd. The cubes. The buttons. The childlike bullet-spewing death-machines. You drag yourself into the next room to find... a table. With a cake on it. And nothing else.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[It's not going to be that easy, GLaDOS.]

Aperture?! And just who the hell are YOU? How'd I get here anyway?

[He takes a moment and glances down at the odd-looking gun. Huh. Dual-trigger, slightly heavier than it should be... Looks a little like the zero-point field energy manipulator he has back in the Labs...]

Oh, gOOd, you've hEArd of ApERture ScIEnce. It's so much quicker when I dON't have to explAIn everythINg. As for hOW you got hERe, yOU'll find tHAt out wHEn you cOMplete the tESting. If you compLEte the tESting. I'm nOT feELing optIMistic so far....

Edited 2012-06-15 07:24 (UTC)

Wait, does that say "singularity dampener coupling?" This thing has a mini black HOLE inside?? How the hell did a bunch of crackpots stuck in the fifties manage to--

[He looks up at that last sentence, finds a camera.]

Oh, you don't think I can, huh?

[There's a pause.]

YoUR're with BlACk MEsa, arEN't you?

[If anyone would know to spot a Black Mesa employee it'd be the computerised reincarnation of Cave Johnson's personal assistant.]

Oh. I'm gOIng to have fUN with tHIs...

[A wall slides down out of the ceiling, effectively bisecting the room. The button is still there. The cube is still there. The door is still there. The wall behind Gordon slowly irises open and a laser dot trembles on the wall in front of him. Then another. Then five. A tiny voice speaks behind him.]

HelLOo...

[His eyes widen when he sees the red tracking dots wobbling in and out of his silhouette, and he throws himself behind the cube next to him as bullets spray overhead. Childlike or not, he knows a goddamned autoturret when he sees one.]

Jeezus chri--AAH! [He recoils as a bullet ricochets off the corner of the cube. Those things track him, the door is way over there, and it probably requires him to place his ONLY cover on the button behind the turrets! How the hell is he going to--]

[...wait. That woman, whoever the hell she is, said this thing he was holding was a portal device. But was it safe to use it? Moreover, did he have a fucking choice?]

[He leans out of cover long enough to level and shoot the portal gun at the turrets, but he's not used to the aim yet and it splatters an orange ellipse against the back wall. Shit, that didn't do anything! Wait... He looks down, glances over his shoulder again, looks down, and then shoots the other trigger at the very floor beneath him. He and the cube spill through the floor and out the opposite wall with all the grace of a sack of wet cement, but at least he's behind the turrets now!]

[The turrets stop firing as soon as Gordon disappears through the blue portal.]

TarGEt lost. ActIVating Sentry MOde...

[They go still, laser dots remaining on the wall. The button sits quietly, the exact size and shape to have the cube placed on it.]

... ... ...

[Well, the only thing left is to pick one of them up to get a good look. Oh, and kick the rest of the damn things over. That's a bonus.]

Huh, you know, in a way these things are more unnerving than the HECU turrets. At least those didn't try to apologize while shooting you. You knew where you stood. Now let's see here...

[Examine examine.]

Edited 2012-06-18 06:51 (UTC)

[The turrets topple over and actually shut down in a welter of squeaky Ows and CriTIcal erROrs and I don't hATe yous while the one he picks up objects with an equally tiny-sounding Hey! Put me dOWn!]

[As he pries it apart, it squeals piteously.] No, dON't do that... nOOoooo... [Bullets fall out. Really more bullets than they should have been able to stuff into an object of that size.]

ThEY won't be abLE to tELl you anythINg. [Does that computerised voice sound... peevish?]

If I were looking for them to tell me something, I would have asked them. [He snorts. It had never actually occurred to him to interrogate a turret though, at least, not until she mentioned it.]

[As the bullets continue and continue and continue to spill out of the shell, Gordon's eyes widen. Mentally comparint the volume of the shell with that of the growing pile, sums up to an increasingly unnatural ratio. He peers into the shell as the last bullets clatter out.]

What the--how did they--don't these bullets have a magazine they should be in? It should jam constantly like this, but it doesn't! It must have a pretty elaborate loading mechanism, some kind of inverted space geometry on the inside, and the motion-sensor program must be damn near AI-capability! And here I thought Aperture was just a bunch of crackpots that wouldn't know their ass from a transistor... [He drops the poor dissected turret and picks up the portal gun, and with it the weighted cube.]

Alright, I'm satisfied for now. [Cube on button. Tada. That wasn't so hard.]

Edited 2012-06-18 19:54 (UTC)

[There's a beep and a metallic sliding noise as the door opens, revealing... a corridor.]

Oh. GoOD. I shOUld hate to thINk you woULdn't be sATisFIed with your tESting....

[Sarcasm cleanup in Aisle Seven.]

[It's interesting to note that she says absolutely nothing about his observations regarding the turrets. The door sits there, open, in an almost pointed fashion.]

[He rests the portal gun up on his shoulder with his arm folded back and trudges down the corridor.]

Hey, we're all scientists here. I want to know juuust as much as you do.

This sounds like an extremely legit offer. Let me just drop everything and get on that.

I hAVe studIEd human sARcasm. That was a pITiful attempt. You shOUld be ashAMed.

Nah.

You rEAlly shOUld be. SarCAsm is a stANdard tESt of hUMan intELligence. You fAIled.

Whatever you say.

SPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACE!

[The Space Core has apparently somehow landed inside one of the testing tracks.

It's also apparently largely unaware of this.]

WhO lEt you iN hERe?

Spacecops. Sent me to spacejail. In Space. Where nobody can hear you scream. Space. Space. Spacespacespace.

Villain app for anemoi

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So THAT'S how you unlock the hidden challenge levels! XD

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I'm not sorry. #1

YOU SHOULD BE.

NEVER