Save the Earth!

[these_orcs_must]

-1-

[One day, while minding your own business, you heard someone distantly shout "PULL!", then a second or two later, a gunshot. This wouldn't have been too unusual or irritating by itself. No, the irritating bit was when you suddenly found yourself splattered with bits of watermelon from the sky.

You hear someone from the top of a nearby building yelling down at you.]

That was a pretty awesome shot, right?

-2-

[Video post]

I got one of those echo thingies, and MAN is it a cool one. Check this out!

[The camera is readjusted to show an empty hallway, though you can make out some sort of device on the ceiling. A hand from offscreen tosses a cantaloupe down the hall which causes the thing on the ceiling to smash downwards with a giant spikey plate, reducing the fruit to a pulp with horrifying violence.]

Ahahahaha is that great or what!?

-3-

Well obviously any run of the mill hero woulda lost their nerve at that point, but not me. Naw, I grabbed one of those little hairy guys I was telling you about and THREW him across the room and into the bonfire. Oh man he flipped the fuck out, it was hilarious!

[Robert is at a bar, telling his version of the latest encounter with some vermidi to a very drunk and confused audience that is, somehow, interested in what he's saying despite not being able to follow most of it. It's worth noting that Robert's also pretty buzzed at this point.]

Comments

3

[ursoreckless]

I think you've got it all wrong.

[bleached blond slides on up to the group, having just sneaked himself something to drink.]

There was no bonfire.

[these_orcs_must]

Huh? Sure there was. It was all big and...burny. Like a fire.

[ursoreckless]

It was my tv. We were watching a movie.

[these_orcs_must]

I think I know the difference between a movie and real life, broski.

[ursoreckless]

So do I and that was no fire.

[these_orcs_must]

Well yeah but I-

[And the crowd is dispersing, losing interest.]

No wait I'm not done. Ignore h- hey come back!

[ursoreckless]

Aww, too bad. It looks like they don't want to hear us argue.

[takes a sip of his drink and then grins.]

Not that it's something we're suppose to tell them in the first place.

[these_orcs_must]

[Bob slumped into his seat, dejected. Then he thwapped Shien in the shoulder.]

What the hell man? That little blonde number in the group was making happy eyes the whole time. I just got cockblocked so hard I think I'm a girl now.

[ursoreckless]

We do not speak of what happens in the club, remember? [and he thwaps him back] Let's be grateful that they weren't cops or something.

[these_orcs_must]

They were all drunk off their gourds. Even if they believed it they weren't gonna remember any of it.

[ursoreckless]

Yup, but I just saved you from getting creamed by her boyfriend.

[these_orcs_must]

I'm not afraid of some guy...Which one is her boyfriend?

[ursoreckless]

The one that looks like he bench pressed semis after jogging while carrying a train on his back.

[these_orcs_must]

Oh hey. He's pretty big isn't he?

I probably shouldn't summon a spring trap under him, should I? It'd be...what's the word...

Morally reprehensible! That's the one!

[ursoreckless]

Yeah, he is.

[takes a sip of his drink in order to hide his grin. what are morals to a gangster?]

And I think that they can sense that sort of thing and we don't want to deal with hairy man things while trying to have a quiet drink.

[these_orcs_must]

Ha! I'm not afraid of those things! I'll just throw them into a fire again.

You'll have to start the fire. I'll be on flinging duty.

[ursoreckless]

We aren't afraid of them, but I think they will put a damper on trying to score a date.

[these_orcs_must]

Oh yeah. That might be a problem.

[ursoreckless]

Yeah, it's definitely a problem.

[these_orcs_must]

[Sluuuuump.]

This sucks.

[ursoreckless]

Well, look on the bright side.

[these_orcs_must]

Yeah? Whazzat?

[ursoreckless]

You're not paying for this bar crawl.

[these_orcs_must]

I'm not? Nice! Now you're speakin' my...talky thingie.

2

[sworcerer]

I wonder what would happen if you put another trap on top of that trap.

[these_orcs_must]

Wh...you mean on the floor upstairs above this?

[sworcerer]

I mean if you stacked two smash traps, sticking one on the other. Would the first smash the second, or would they work together to smash twice as hard?

[these_orcs_must]

I dunno. I never tried it.

Hang on.

[She can't see what he's doing because he just put whatever he was using to broadcast with down on the ground so all that's visible is blank ceiling, but she can hear it. After a moment of silence as he considers the situation, there's a magical flourish as he adds another trap, then a sound of something rumbling.]

Uhoh.

[sworcerer]

Does anyone live on the floor underneath yours?

[these_orcs_must]

Well uh.

[WHAM CRACKOW BLAM EXPLOSIONS FLAMING GEARS.]

Not for much longer they don't.

[sworcerer]

I'm calling 911.

[these_orcs_must]

That might not be a bad idea.

1

[empress_without_a_throne]

[Awesome? Oh no, Mizuki's practically fuming as all the watermelon goo drips down off her hair and clothes. Aaaand also her stomach's starting to feel just a little bit queasy just from the scent of that photosynthesis-connected food. She turns to face Robert, eyes glaring with the power of a thousand anti-Suns.]

Every time I don't bring my umbrella...!

And NO! It was absolutely disgusting! If you wanted to practice with a gun, there are shooting ranges for that!

[these_orcs_must]

What? Come up here, I can't hear you!

[empress_without_a_throne]

[Ask and you shall receive, Robert. From out of Mizuki's shadow, a massive black claw suddenly emerges, reaching and grabbing at the ground before another arm joins it. And from there, as impossible as it is, a hulking behemoth of a machine pulls itself into existence before letting Mizuki step on one of its hands and raise her up to Robert's level.]

Can you hear me now?

[these_orcs_must]

Uh.

Yes.

[empress_without_a_throne]

Good. That's one hurdle out of the way. Though- grrrrgh.

[Yeah, too much direct sunlight. And if she's going to try to explain to someone that even shooting watermelons had a proper time and place, well, best to not be distracted. The black machine then moves its other hand to shield her from the Sun, at which point Mizuki lets out a relieved sigh.]

There. That's better. Two hurdles out of the way.

And as I'd tried to say before, there's usually shooting ranges for this kind of thing.

[these_orcs_must]

Is there shooting ranges for giant robot monsters? Because you should consider looking one up.

[empress_without_a_throne]

There are, yes. But if you're really bothered by its presence...

[She shuts her eyes, sighing in frustration. You're not making this easy on her, Robert. But the DuskBird puts her down on the roof next to you before the machine is subsequently sucked back into her shadow. Mizuki's already wincing again from the sunlight though.]

There. Better?