for towerofanimus

[grannyfucker]

1

[At some point, Nathan managed to get his hands on an outrageous amount of condoms. He's already tucked a good portion of it away for his own uses, but as for the rest...

Nathan is sitting on the floor, surrounded by a large pile of things that look like they could've been balloon animals, in a past life. he begins in another one, filling the room with an awfully squeaky and sputtery sound as he blows into the condom.

Oh! He accidentally lets go and the thing goes flying across the room, making such a loud sound that it sounds like an echoing fart. Better hope you're good at dodging, that is a strawberry-flavored lubricated condom flying at mach 3 across the room.]

2

[That's the eighth time now that an NPC has walked in on him--the eighth time that he thought he found somewhere private only to be intruded on.

Well, that is the last straw! Nathan posts to the network in the midst of this outrage.]

Jesus, can't a man find a decent place to have a wank around here?!

3

[Is...is that a dead NPC impaled on a shower hook in the bathroom? Yes, it is.

And is that Nathan standing nearby, half-naked and clutching his head in panic, looking a bit like he's on the verge of tears? Why yes. Yes it is.]

Awwww, fuck!

I thought this shit was supposed to be done with already!

Comments

[grannyfucker]

Oh, well, you know. When life gives you condoms...

[kuwabara_the_elder]

"Make balloon animals"? That's not really the first thing that comes to mind for most people, I bet.

[grannyfucker]

Of course it is! What, you're telling me you didn't have condom water balloon fights when you were a kid?

No offense, but you had a fucked up childhood, my friend.

Besides, I've already got more than enough of these up in my room, if you'd like to see those too.

[kuwabara_the_elder]

We used regular balloons.

And, uh, I'll pass.

[grannyfucker]

You sure? I've got more flavors of this shit than the neighborhood paedophile ice cream man!

[kuwabara_the_elder]

I said no. Don't push it.

[grannyfucker]

Aww, but you'll find I'm very good at pushing it, if you just gave it a shot!

[just in case you didn't get it, he's doing a gentle hip thrust towards you.]

[kuwabara_the_elder]

[Then Shizuru kicked Nathan in the balls.]

[grannyfucker]

[And lo, Nathan's balls experienced great suffering.

He's hunched over and groaning.]

Aauuuugh, now, why would you do a thing like that?! I'll have to go through weeks of physical therapy, just to get Nathan Jr. fixed up again!

The ladies will be deprived for weeks!

[kuwabara_the_elder]

Then listen to what I'm fucking saying when I say it.

[grannyfucker]

I am! Don't you hear it? 'Eat me! Eat me out! I'm deprived and lonely and I need a big strong man like you to help save me from becoming a psychotic rubbish bin killer!'

That is the desperate, pleading call of the pussy.

[kuwabara_the_elder]

Do you want me to kick you again? I wouldn't mind.

[grannyfucker]

Kicking a man while he's down? What kind of sick bastard even does that?

[it still hurts, but now he's just playing it up even more.]