for towerofanimus

[grannyfucker]

1

[At some point, Nathan managed to get his hands on an outrageous amount of condoms. He's already tucked a good portion of it away for his own uses, but as for the rest...

Nathan is sitting on the floor, surrounded by a large pile of things that look like they could've been balloon animals, in a past life. he begins in another one, filling the room with an awfully squeaky and sputtery sound as he blows into the condom.

Oh! He accidentally lets go and the thing goes flying across the room, making such a loud sound that it sounds like an echoing fart. Better hope you're good at dodging, that is a strawberry-flavored lubricated condom flying at mach 3 across the room.]

2

[That's the eighth time now that an NPC has walked in on him--the eighth time that he thought he found somewhere private only to be intruded on.

Well, that is the last straw! Nathan posts to the network in the midst of this outrage.]

Jesus, can't a man find a decent place to have a wank around here?!

3

[Is...is that a dead NPC impaled on a shower hook in the bathroom? Yes, it is.

And is that Nathan standing nearby, half-naked and clutching his head in panic, looking a bit like he's on the verge of tears? Why yes. Yes it is.]

Awwww, fuck!

I thought this shit was supposed to be done with already!

Comments

1

[kuwabara_the_elder]

[The condom missile is swatted aside hastily.]

...Having fun?

[grannyfucker]

Oh, well, you know. When life gives you condoms...

[kuwabara_the_elder]

"Make balloon animals"? That's not really the first thing that comes to mind for most people, I bet.

[grannyfucker]

Of course it is! What, you're telling me you didn't have condom water balloon fights when you were a kid?

No offense, but you had a fucked up childhood, my friend.

Besides, I've already got more than enough of these up in my room, if you'd like to see those too.

[kuwabara_the_elder]

We used regular balloons.

And, uh, I'll pass.

[grannyfucker]

You sure? I've got more flavors of this shit than the neighborhood paedophile ice cream man!

[kuwabara_the_elder]

I said no. Don't push it.

[grannyfucker]

Aww, but you'll find I'm very good at pushing it, if you just gave it a shot!

[just in case you didn't get it, he's doing a gentle hip thrust towards you.]

[kuwabara_the_elder]

[Then Shizuru kicked Nathan in the balls.]

[grannyfucker]

[And lo, Nathan's balls experienced great suffering.

He's hunched over and groaning.]

Aauuuugh, now, why would you do a thing like that?! I'll have to go through weeks of physical therapy, just to get Nathan Jr. fixed up again!

The ladies will be deprived for weeks!

[kuwabara_the_elder]

Then listen to what I'm fucking saying when I say it.

[grannyfucker]

I am! Don't you hear it? 'Eat me! Eat me out! I'm deprived and lonely and I need a big strong man like you to help save me from becoming a psychotic rubbish bin killer!'

That is the desperate, pleading call of the pussy.

[kuwabara_the_elder]

Do you want me to kick you again? I wouldn't mind.

[grannyfucker]

Kicking a man while he's down? What kind of sick bastard even does that?

[it still hurts, but now he's just playing it up even more.]

3

[cutesy_shit]

What the fuck did you do!?

[grannyfucker]

I-I didn't do anything, she just walked up behind me, and how was I supposed to know those things could kill you?!

[cutesy_shit]

You sayin' the hook ATTACKED her!?

[grannyfucker]

Yeah, that's right, it just walked right up behind her and before either of us noticed, jammed itself right into her spine!

[He sounds a little hysterical. Nathan has learned, over the course of his time in community service, that no matter how many deaths you see, it will still freak you out every time.]

1/2

[cutesy_shit]

Okay okay okay, panicking isn't going to solve anything. We just need to keep calm and figure out what we're going to do...

2/2

[cutesy_shit]

Hnnnnnggg-WHAT THE FUCK MAN!? IT'S A FUCKING TOWEL HOOK!

[grannyfucker]

Awww, Jesus, it's dripping blood all over the floor now!

[cutesy_shit]

We've gotta get her down from there!

[grannyfucker]

Alright, alright. I've got her legs, you go... [motions vaguely for a second, because saying it out loud is pretty gross] unhook her back.

[cutesy_shit]

What? How come I have to unhook her!?

[grannyfucker]

You're the one who wanted to move her!

[cutesy_shit]

Ugh, fine. Lift her legs up.

[Oh god this is so gross.]

[grannyfucker]

Gladly!

[Oh look douche abilities are starting to return. He lifts up the legs, casually standing between them.]

2

[snapshot_brat]

Gross! Innocent little girls like me can hear you too, you know.

[grannyfucker]

Oh come on, like you don't do it too!

[snapshot_brat]

I do not!

I don't even have a. A you-know-what to do it with! So there!

[grannyfucker]

Don't give me that, I know you've all got some secret fanny cult where you all trade secrets about your vaginas! Someone's got to have told you how to finger yourself by now, it's like puberty 101!

[snapshot_brat]

Ew ew ewwww that's gross! Girls can't do that! You're making things up again!

[grannyfucker]

No I'm not! I know for a fact that it's possible--I've seen it!

In fact, I could probably demonstrate for you, I've got an anus too! It's not the same thing, but who's keeping track? And since you obviously missed out on the fanny cult, I could teach all the basics to you! After all, I do know my way around the female body and all.

[snapshot_brat]

I already know about the butt stuff I don't want to see you doing the butt stuff!

[grannyfucker]

Yeah? Well, have it your way, you'll see! You'll regret this in ten years when you've got a reputation as the Cock Killer all across the country because you didn't get the fanny cult's vagina manual!

And then who'll be laughin'? Me, 'cause I saw it coming!

[snapshot_brat]

You're the last person I want to learn anything about boys and their you-know-whats from! All I've learned from you is that boys are horrid and if they all turn out to be like you when I grow up I'm going to join a convent!

[grannyfucker]

A convent?!

...Isn't that where all the comic book freaks get together and have a giant spandex dildo orgy?

1

[ill_hearted_gentleman]

[Pffft, dodging, how funny. The condom bounces harmlessly off Oswin's armor. It inexplicably makes a tink noise in the process.]

A curious hobby. Is this their intended purpose?

[grannyfucker]

[Look at this tool, dressed up in armor and asking about condoms.]

Pffft, of course not! They're more like little slippery strawberry spacesuits for your cock.

Just in case you need to go exploring the fanny frontier!

[ill_hearted_gentleman]

[Wow Oswin understood maybe a third of that, which is quite enough for him to not want clarification on the other two-thirds.]

You are truly blessed with creativity, young sir, to find such an alternative use for them.

[grannyfucker]

Oh, it's not that amazing, unless you've got all the imagination of a retarded monkey. People have been doing it since they first figured out how to do squat jumps in the cucumber patch! Using an iron to make sandwiches, using a rake as a backscratcher, using one of those little pizza tables they give you to keep the pizza box from caving in to jab someone in the eye...

Compared to that, condom air balloons are practically a rite of passage! It's in the Bible! Or the Torah. ...Or both!

[ill_hearted_gentleman]

...Yes, creativity and a great deal of free time in which to utilize it. Do you not have any responsibilities to attend to instead?

[grannyfucker]

What do you think I'm doing? This is for my bar mitzvah!

[ill_hearted_gentleman]

[Question Oswin just knows he's going to regret asking commencing in 3... 2... 1....]

And what, pray tell, is a "bar mitzvah"?

[grannyfucker]

It's where a bunch of people chop off your foreskin [accompanied by a chopping motion with his hands] and replace it with one of these [holds up a condom]! Works exactly the same, except your new and improved cock is tastier and inflatable!

[For demonstration, Nathan begins to blow into a new condom. He makes good progress until this one also goes flying across the room.]

I'm just practicing beforehand for the ladies!